Hating Christmas
by pizzapie
Summary: What's up with Lindsay? Lindsay's past starts to be revealed. Major spoilers for Ep 312 Silent Night
1. Chapter 1

Rating: PG for some strong language

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night," some of the dialogue is taken directly from the episode. I own nothing you recognize.

Thanks to **SallyJetson** for the beta.

Lindsay Monroe hated Christmas. She always had, at least since 13 years ago. And this year, it was even worse. Ironically, as a kid, Christmas had been her favorite holiday, and not just for the presents. But everything had changed that one fateful night.

"I love coming out this way during Christmastime. It's just so beautiful. All the houses decorated, the lights. We don't get to see it in the city," Hawkes commented.

"The stuff is just a waste of electricity," Lindsay commented.

"Linds, don't be such a Scrooge."

_A house covered in icicle lights. There is a decorated tree in one window and a nativity scene in another. The windows are splattered in blood. _

Lindsay shook her head and shivered. "I'm not a Scrooge," she tried to insist.

"Bullshit. It was like pulling teeth to convince you to go to the departmental Christmas party last year. And this year, it's been worse than getting a root canal trying to convince you to go. Someone would think you didn't like Christmas."

_Didn't like Christmas?_ Last year, Mac had to threaten Lindsay with a reprimand to get her to go. This year that hadn't worked.

"_Fine. I don't care. Give me a reprimand. I'm not going."_

"_All right, since that didn't work, this is what's going to happen. The department, end of year, party-fundraiser is required for all members not on duty at the time."_

"_It's a fucking Christmas party Mac, don't try say it's not. And I'm not going."_

_Whoa, Mac thought. "Lindsay, it's not a choice. If you don't go, I'll consider you AWOL, resulting in a suspension."_

"_Mac!" Lindsay exclaimed, almost whined. Mac simply looked at her. "Then put me on duty that night."_

"_No CSI is off duty that night anyway, except for those on call. Come on, you'll have fun. It's going to be even better than last year's- food from Hell's Kitchen, dancing…" Lindsay shuddered. "Lindsay, what's wrong?"_

"_Nothing. Forget it; you're never going to understand." Lindsay stormed out of the office, slamming the door as she left._

_Mac stared out into the hall at Lindsay. He definitely understood what Christmas was like after having lost someone, even why she might have a problem with Christmas. But he had no clue why Lindsay reacted so badly to the mention of dancing._

Like last year, she had already begged Mac to let her work Christmas day. He'd refused. She'd already worked Thanksgiving, and departmental protocol dictated that she be off one of those two. Besides, Mac felt that Lindsay was working herself to the bone. Last year, he'd thought it was just that she didn't know many people in the city. However, when Stella asked Lindsay to come to her place for Christmas last year, Lindsay had refused. What they didn't know was that Lindsay had stayed in her bedroom the entire day crying. Christmas: the requirement to be joyful, the friends, the memories. Did Lindsay Monroe dislike Christmas? No. Lindsay Monroe _hated_ Christmas.


	2. Chapter 2

Rating: PG, some strong language

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night," some of the dialogue is taken directly from the episode. I own nothing you recognize.

Thanks to **SallyJetson** for the beta.

Sheldon tried to engage Lindsay in other conversation, but all she'd give was one or two word answers.

_Girls laughing and dancing._

Finally he gave up trying to talk with Lindsay and simply focused on the road, which given that the traffic had picked up was probably safer. Mac, Stella, and especially Danny would never forgive him if he managed to hurt Lindsay on the way to a crime scene.

_An inflatable snowman transformed into a real one. It was covered in red blood, and had a gunshot wound through the stomach._

Hawkes was so focused on the traffic that he failed to notice the tears that had fallen down Lindsay's face during the ride. By the time traffic had lightened up, they had arrived at the crime scene, and Lindsay's tears had stopped.

"This isn't right. This house belongs on a Hallmark card, not ringed in tape," Hawkes commented, as he and Lindsay got out of the SUV. He hadn't meant for anyone else to overhear it, but Lindsay did.

Little does he know, Lindsay thought. She swallowed hard and looked over at Gina.

_Lindsay was surrounded by the mothers of her friends. All, except one of them, were crying. That one was angrily approaching Lindsay, "You…" _

Surprising even herself, Lindsay suddenly said. "I need the keys to the car"

"What?" Hawkes asked.

"I can't be here"

"Are you all right?" Sheldon was unbelievably confused.

_Leave me alone_. "Just give me the keys," she said, grabbing them from Hawkes

As Sheldon and Stella shared a look, Lindsay drove off.

Getting back into the city didn't take nearly as long since the traffic had cleared. Lindsay headed to her apartment and grabbed the bottle of Tylenol 3 off kitchen counter. She hadn't been sleeping well, and had been using it to try to help her sleep, although it wasn't working. And she wasn't sure why. Turning off her phone, she headed to her bedroom for another night of no sleep.

_Back at the crime scene…._

"What about Lindsay?" Mac asked.

Stella hesitated for a moment before replying, "I think she's back at the lab, trying to get the Lancaster case ready for trial." _I can't believe I just lied to my boss. Oh well, I'll talk with her tomorrow, maybe she'll be willing to talk then._

A few minutes later, Sheldon walked in. "Hey, we've gotten another crime scene back in the city. Danny's already on his way over, but they need one of us to go as well. Stell, want to flip a coin to decide who has to go?"

"Why can't Lindsay?"

Stella and Sheldon shared a look as Stella replied, "Um, I think she's working really hard on the Lancaster case." She could tell Sheldon wanted to tell her something and continued, "Why don't we go out to toss it, so we don't accidentally mess up the crime scene."

_I can't believe Stella just lied to me twice. Well, I hope she knows what she's doing,_ Mac thought. _And I hope she can handle it. _

As soon as they'd gotten out of the house, Stella asked, "What did you want to tell me?"

"Dispatch said Lindsay's not answering her phone. It's not even on."

"Oh no. Damn it. We won't be able to go check on her either 'cause the scenes will probably take all night."

"Well, we'd better do what we said we were coming out here for," Sheldon said, pulling a quarter out of his pocket. "Call it," flipping it into the air.

"Heads."

Catching it, he called, "Tails."

"Well I guess I'm headed back in. I'll try calling Lindsay, but if we haven't seen or heard from her by tomorrow afternoon, we'll have to tell Mac," Stella said.


	3. Chapter 3

Rating: PG, some strong language

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night," some of the dialogue is taken directly from the episode. I own nothing you recognize.

Thanks to **SallyJetson** for the beta.

Again, Lindsay didn't sleep well. The dreams were getting worse. In fact, last night she'd dreamed she had killed her best friend.

When Lindsay went in to the lab the next morning, she expected to find a note on her desk, but nothing was there. She knew she should go talk to Mac, but she didn't quite have the courage to do so yet; therefore, she decided to work on the huge stack of paperwork on her desk. She still hadn't turned her phone on, which was going to get her a huge reprimand once Mac found out. After a couple of hours she really felt no better about it, but decided she should talk to Mac before she lost all nerve.

Stella and Hawkes had been working in the lab all morning on their respective cases. By 11 neither had heard back from Lindsay, so Stella decided it was time to talk with Mac.

However, on her way to Mac's office Stella noticed Lindsay in the hall, and called to her, "Hey Lindsay, hold up."

Lindsay turned and noticed Stella. _Uh oh, I guess here it comes._

"You can talk to me off the record, you know that, right?"

"What do you want me to say?" _I don't want to talk about it. You'll say it's no excuse._

_An explanation for why you left the crime scene, maybe? Or just what's bothering you. Or anything. _"You left the crime scene Lindsay. I covered for you, but…" _Put myself and Hawkes on the line. _

"Yeah, thanks" _I'm not going to bother saying sorry, you won't accept it._

"Look if you have a problem you should tell someone." _I know. It doesn't have to be me or even someone on the team._ "I'm just trying to help."

"Well don't, okay. Just leave me alone." _What did I just do?_

Stella felt like she had just been slapped. _Well, you've not left me a choice here if you're not going to give me an explanation, Linds… _"Clearly, I made the mistake of trying to be your friend here. So, I'll be your boss. "

Lindsay looked down. _I'm sorry. I can't believe I just did that._

"When you're requested at a crime scene, you show up and do your job. Speaking of your job, I expect to see you in autopsy this afternoon." Stella walked off afraid she'd say something more hurtful.

Lindsay stood in the hallway for a moment, about to cry. _I'm sorry, Stella. I just don't know anymore. I can't give you an explanation right now, I just don't know._ Realizing there was no way she could talk with Mac, she went back to her office. She just barely made it before the tears started flowing.


	4. Chapter 4

Rating: PG, some strong language

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night," some of the dialogue is taken directly from the episode. I own nothing you recognize.

Thanks to **SallyJetson **for the beta

Stella met Lindsay outside the morgue that afternoon. She felt guilty for snapping at Lindsay like she had earlier, not, however, for what she said but for the way she'd said it. She wouldn't have been surprised if Lindsay hated her right then. She knew something bad had to be bothering Lindsay, for Lindsay wouldn't snap like that otherwise.

Stella didn't know similar thoughts were running through Lindsay's head as well, feeling guilty for snapping back at Stella, when all Stella was trying to do was be a friend. Lindsay hoped she hadn't done irreparable damage to their relationship.

"Ready?" Stella asked. Lindsay nodded. "Well, let's head in," Stella continued, holding the door open for Lindsay.

---

"Another teenager," Sid began.

"Both with gunshot wounds to the stomach," Stella said.

"Only Mackenzie Wade wasn't shot, she was stabbed," Sid corrected

Lindsay had been gradually walking towards the body, swallowing hard as she did so.

_Blood was streaked on the girls face._

Lindsay tried to continue the conversation, attempting to cover up the vision. "But the wound is circular like it's from a bullet."

Sid began to explain, "Caused by…"

Lindsay tried to follow, but looking at Mackenzie, she couldn't. She tried to shake her head to get the images out of her mind, but…

_The morgue suddenly turned blood red. The faces turned into those of her friends. Covered in blood. "15-17, one possible survivor," a mechanical voice said. Lindsay wanted to scream._

Lindsay's face was beginning to crumble. Stella, having gotten the information she needed from Sid, turned to Lindsay, instantly becoming worried. "Lindsay?" Lindsay choked back a sob. "It's okay," Stella continued, placing her arms around Lindsay's shoulders.

_No, it's not, Stella._ Lindsay blurted out, "Why was I the only one?" and a tear trickled down her face.

Stella, shocked, stood speechless for a minute, before realizing she should try to get Lindsay somewhere a little more private. "Thanks, Sid," she called, leading Lindsay out of the morgue.

Stella tried to think of where they could go. _Damn whoever designed this lab for making it all glass. There's nowhere that is private. Well I guess the bathroom is. Here's one, at least it's not far from the morgue._ Lindsay continued quietly crying, with her head down, as they walked through the hall.

Interrupting Stella's train of thought, Adam walked up, "Hey, Stella, I've got the DNA results on your skater."

_Damn it_. "I'll be there in a minute," she called over her shoulder. Steering Lindsay into the bathroom, she said to Lindsay, "Well, I'm going to have to go, but just come find me when you can pull it under control, okay. Lock the door so no one comes in here. Remember, it'll be okay," she said, giving Lindsay a quick hug before leaving.

"No, it won't, Stella," Lindsay said in the bathroom. She started quietly sobbing.

On her way to the lab, Stella's mind was racing. _Come on, Lindsay. You really need to talk to someone, please admit it. It's for your own sake. I really want to be a friend, but you've got to let me. But I'm going to make sure that Adam knows if he tells anyone he saw you crying, he's in trouble._


	5. Chapter 5

Rating: PG, some strong language

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night," some of the dialogue is taken directly from the episode. I own nothing you recognize.

Thanks to **SallyJetson** for the beta

It took Lindsay almost an hour to pull herself together. After washing her face, she headed to her office to reapply her makeup before hunting for Stella.

Finding Stella in her office, Lindsay knocked on the door and wrapped her arms around her body to hug herself. As Stella turned around, Lindsay said, "I know I owe you an explanation."

_Not really. It's really Mac, to who you owe the explanation. He's the one, with who you're going to be in trouble. But I do wish you'd talk with me. Maybe you'll feel better._

"I can't tell you what's going on, not because I don't want to, but because I'm not sure myself." _At least some of it. But you'll think badly of me if I tell you everything._

Stella questioned, "You said, you were the only one?"

_Well, I guess here it goes. _Hesitantly, Lindsay replied,_ "_I survived a crime, a very terrible crime. Friends of mine were killed." _No Lindsay, you can't cry. _"I could use a friend here, Stell." _Please don't refuse, I don't know if I can handle it._

_What I was waiting for: Lindsay to ask, to admit it. _"You got one, kiddo. Now go home. I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning." _Since we both have the day off, we can spend time talking or whatever._

Lindsay smiled in an effort to hold back her tears, and Stella smiled back. After a moment, Lindsay had to turn away, not being able to hold back the tears.

Stella's smile turned into a frown of concern. Something serious was bothering Lindsay, and she hoped they could figure out what, before something more serious happened.

---

Lindsay had another obstacle to face before heading home. With her head down and tears in her eyes, she ran into Danny.

"Hey, Montana, are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

_Yeah right._ Grabbing Lindsay's arm, Danny responded, "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

Lindsay shoved Danny's arm away and shouted, "Leave me the fuck alone, Messer," then ran away.

----

Lindsay's bad day just kept getting worse: there was an accident on the subway on her way home, delaying her by two hours, making her even more frazzled. All she wanted to do was forget the past week, especially the past two days, easily the worst, since she'd come to New York. After picking up some Chinese takeout, she decided that the occasion called for a stiff drink or two (which she never indulged in), but not wanting to pay NY prices for a drink, she stopped at the liquor store on her corner.

At the liquor store, Lindsay went right past the wine and beer, going straight to the vodka. She didn't want to _just drink_, she wanted to _forget._ She picked up two bottles of Absolute and headed to the checkout. The cashier gave her a look. _Why can't anyone just leave me alone today?_

Once Lindsay got home, she opened one of the vodka bottles then realized she didn't have anything from which to drink shots. Finally, she grabbed a Dixie cup to use as a makeshift shot glass and filled it, before sitting down to eat. She finished her food and that shot quickly before pouring another. She planned on drinking until she felt numb.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night". I own nothing you recognize.

Thanks to **SallyJetson** for the beta

Having finished the skater case, Danny planned to go by Lindsay's apartment to check on Lindsay. He had just grabbed his stuff when Mac stepped into his office, saying, "Danny, grab your kit. We're headed out to Riker's; a couple of the inmates were killed."

"Why are they having someone from the crime lab go out there? Usually precinct detectives do scenes there."

"Apparently, they think one of the correctional officers might have killed the inmates, using excessive force. But if they are going to get a conviction in that case, they'll have to have good evidence. I'll see you down at the car in 15 minutes."

"Damn it," Danny swore out loud as Mac walked away. He grabbed his kit and headed to Stella's office. Fortunately, she was there. "Hey, Bonasera, could you do me a favor?"

"Depends on the favor," Stella replied, laughing.

"Could you run by Lindsay's apartment and check on her for me? I was going to go, but Mac's making me head out to another crime scene. I'm worried about her. She shoved me away this afternoon when I asked if she was okay, but she was crying. And I just have this feeling that she's going to hurt herself."

"Any proof of that?"

"No, just my gut. But please check on her," he begged.

"Sure, I'll admit I'm worried as well, especially after she ran from the crime scene."

That was news to Danny. "What?"

"She left the crime scene last night."

"Is she in trouble?"

"She probably will be. Look, I don't know what's going on, and even if I did, I think it's her job to tell you. But for now, you'd better go before Mac yells at you for wasting his time."

"Lindsay, open up," Stella yelled, pounding on the apartment door. "It's freezing out here."

Inside, Lindsay stumbled to the door and tried to open it, but it was locked. She tried to unlock it; however, her hands kept slipping on the deadbolt. Outside, Stella was getting impatient and cold. She was about to find the super and get him to let her in (with her badge) when Lindsay finally got the door open.

Lindsay had an almost empty bottle of Absolut in her hand. "Hey, Stell," she started, slurring her words, "did you come to join the party?" she continued, taking a drink from the bottle.

_It looks more like I'll be crashing the party. Danny was definitely right on this one._ "Lindsay, you're drunk," she replied, stepping into the apartment.

"No, I'm not, Stell. This bottle is all I've had, I'm fine," Lindsay said, stepping backwards and stumbling.

"What?! You've drunk the whole bottle? When did you start drinking it?" _Clearly, you're not thinking clearly._

Lindsay tried to read her watch, but to her, the hands were flying around the face. "I don't know. I started when I got home."

"When was that?"

"I don't remember. Why do you care anyway? Let's have a party."

Stella had walked over to the counter, and noticed the receipts and the take out box. _Well, at least she had something to eat with all that alcohol. _Looking at the receipt, she continued thinking, _Well, she got the alcohol at 7:50 and it's 9:30 now. Great, she's drunk all of that in the last hour and half._ "Hey, Lindsay, give me the bottle," Stella ordered.

"Oh, do you want some? Sure," Lindsay said, trying to hand Stella the bottle, nearly knocking her over in the process.

"Lindsay, you're not just drunk, you're completely wasted," Stella replied, as she walked to the sink and poured the remainder of the bottle out.

"Aww, Stell, what did you do that for? Well at least I have another bottle." Lindsay tried to open the bottle but wound up knocking it over onto the floor, and it broke.

Stella wasn't sure which to be more grateful for: that both she and Lindsay had shoes on, or that Lindsay had broken it, so she didn't have to worry about her drinking any more. After putting Lindsay into a seat, she grabbed a mop and cleaned the spill before asking, "Lindsay, do you have any soup around here?"

"Soup," Lindsay replied, laughing, "Of course, it's over there," she continued, pointing at the ceiling.

_Thanks, that's a lot of help_. Stella looked around and found some on the opposite counter. She was about to open it when she noticed the bottle of Tylenol 3 on the counter. Stella gasped. Grabbing the bottle, she turned to Lindsay, frantically saying, "Please tell me you didn't take one of these." _Because, if you did we'll have to go to the hospital and you'll be in quite a bit of trouble._

Lindsay couldn't focus her eyes on the bottle to see what it was. "What?"

"The Tylenol 3. You've got a bottle right here, why I have no clue."

"Nah, I don't think… I'm not that stupid, Stell."

_That's what I'd like to think, but drinking that amount of vodka wasn't the smartest thing you've ever done either. _Deciding to check, Stella went to her kit and grabbed a few items and put on a glove. Pulling the tip off a lancet, she ordered Lindsay, "Give me your finger."

"Why?"

"I just want to check something. Then we'll get your soup, okay," she replied, poking Lindsay's finger. She swabbed the blood and put on the band aid before grabbing a bottle from her kit. She poured a drop from the bottle onto the swab and waited for it to change color, but it didn't. _Negative for opiates. _"Thank god," she voiced, placing everything into the sharps container.

Lindsay began yawning. "You know, I like Danny. I want to have his babies. And you want to have Mac's babies. Not Peyton. She's not pretty like you. Her and Mac's kids would have lemon lips. Yours and Mac's kids -- curly hair, good looks, and be able to handle any weapon they wanted to. You know, Peyton and Sid should get together. They could have a threesome with a corpse. Wouldn't that be cute?"

Stella fixed a bowl of soup, trying to keep any images of Sid and Peyton out of her mind. "I think you need to eat some of this soup."

"You know, if I can't have Danny's babies, I want to have Pino or Flack's babies. They're almost as hot as Danny."

If Stella weren't so worried about Lindsay, she'd be laughing. As it was, she was getting a bit impatient, and replied, "Lindsay, don't make me force feed you this."

"Fine, party pooper," Lindsay replied, taking a bite of the soup. She had finished about half of it when she began gagging.

Stella reacted quickly, dragging Lindsay to the bathroom. They had just made it to the toilet when Lindsay began throwing up. Stella had never gotten used to the sight of it, so she looked away while rubbing Lindsay's back. _Well, hopefully this gets some of the alcohol out of her system._

Lindsay interrupted Stella's thoughts. "Stell, I'm tired. I want to go to bed. Why don't you stay, we can have a slumber party!"

_I'll stay for sure. You might not make it through the night if I don't. _"Not until you finish your soup." Stella answered.

"But…"

"No buts, finish your soup and drink a glass of water, then you can go to sleep."

While Lindsay ate the soup, Stella found the linen closet and grabbed a couple of blankets, laying one out on the living room floor. She was interrupted by Lindsay asking, "Stella, is it time to go to sleep?" once she had realized her soup was gone, 3 minutes after she finished it.

"Sure," Stella responded, leading her to the setup blanket.

"Why are we sleeping out here?"

_Think quick Stella, I can't tell her it's so I can make sure she doesn't choke on her vomit or worse tonight. _"Umm, we can't have a slumber party in your room can we?"

"Oh," Lindsay answered, laying down on her side as Stella handed her a pillow. Stella dimmed the lights and once Lindsay had fallen asleep, called Mac.

She was surprised that she didn't hear it ring, but instead, "You've reached Detective Taylor. I'm not available right now, but leave a message and I'll return your call." Mac never turned off his phone.

"Mac, this is Stella. Could you call me when you get this message? Thanks." She called Danny next, but wasn't able to leave a message with him.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night". I own nothing you recognize. I do own Lola and Joel.

Thanks to **SallyJetson** for the beta

Stella was a lot more worried than she was before coming to Lindsay's apartment. Wanting to see if there was anything that might help her when she talked with Lindsay, she decided to do a little _investigating_ in Lindsay's apartment. At least that's how she justified it to herself: _investigating_ sounded a lot better than _snooping._

She started with Lindsay's trash and found nothing there, not knowing that Lindsay had taken it out that morning. The she moved to the stack of mail on the counter.

The first few pieces were kind of boring, and she didn't open them: a phone bill, a bank statement, and a postcard from the doctor reminding her it was time for her yearly physical. However, she was confused by the sender of the fourth envelope:

_State of Montana_

_Department of Corrections_

_Why is Lindsay getting something from the state Department of Corrections? That means she has to know someone in the system, _Stella wondered, as she pulled the letter out of the envelope and began reading.

_Dear Ms. Monroe: _

Our records indicate that you have yet to respond in regard to your attendance of the parole hearing of Lola Mills, currently incarcerated under a charge of aggravated assault.

_As was mentioned in our previous letter, as the victim of the crime, your presence at the hearing is highly requested and encouraged. Unless you choose to retain your own counsel, an attorney will be provided for you. _

_The hearing is scheduled for January 20, 2007. Please inform the department of your intent to provide a statement or attend the hearing as soon as possible._

Stella, on a hunch, searched through the mail for anything else addressed from the Department of Corrections, finding three additional envelopes. Looking at them in chronological order, she was shocked at what she found. The first letter, dated 3 months earlier (actually two days earlier than Lindsay had to go undercover) read

_To Whom it May Concern:  
_

_This letter is a reminder of the scheduled execution of Joel Wilson set for November 3, 2006. Mr. Wilson is currently serving six consecutive life sentences without the possibility of parole for the attempted murder of Lindsay Monroe as well as the murders of Becky Monroe; Emily Richardson; Corrine Mills; Mary Flanders; and Megan James. He is also under the sentence of death for the murder of Leah Rowan._

_As a victim or family member of a victim of his crimes, you are encouraged to submit a statement which will be read to the inmate before his execution. Please send any statements to the Montana Department of Corrections at_

_500 Conley Lake Road_

_Deer Lodge, MT 59722_

_Sincerely,_

_Mike Ferriter_

_Director, MT Dept of Corrections_

_What?_ Stella thought. She didn't realize Montana still practiced the death penalty, and especially that it would affect someone she knew. _Who is this Joel Wilson? Convicted for trying to kill Lindsay? I wonder if Becky Monroe is Lindsay's sister, maybe the others are the friends she was talking about._

Stella continued through the letters from the department. The next letter was just informing Lindsay of the parole hearing. The final envelope started off not so bad.

_Dear Ms. Monroe:  
_

_The Montana Department of Corrections wishes to inform you of the death of Joel Wilson, convicted of a crime in which you were the victim._

_Joel Wilson died at 12:43 am on November 3, 2006 by lethal injection as ordered by the State of Montana in the execution of a sentence of death resulting from a conviction of murder._

_Enclosed is a statement Mr. Wilson wrote to you. It has not been read by corrections officials._

_We hope that the execution will bring closure to you._

_Sincerely,_

_Mike Ferriter_

_Director, MT Dept of Corrections_

Stella knew she shouldn't, but she pulled the statement out of the envelope, and before reading it, noticed the ink had bled in spots, almost like someone had been crying while reading it.

_Dear my sweet, darling Lindsay,_

_You know, I may have been convicted of these so-called "crimes" of murder and attempted murder, but I still deny that it was my fault. And you know it too. I told you while I was doing it; I kept saying it on the stand: it was all your fault. If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have had to kill your friends. All I wanted to do was spend the night with you; I was hoping to actually have sex for the first time with you that night as well. I knew you were a virgin: I thought having it for the first time on Christmas night would be special. Never mind that we had seen each other for every night the week before. But no, you and your friends planned a little "slumber party" that night, and you insisted on spending it with your friends. So, you can see it was really all your fault because if you hadn't of insisted on having a slumber party with your "girls" I would have been with you, and wouldn't have had to kill them for taking you away from me. I actually wanted to kill you too. In fact, I thought I had. I waited to do you after I'd shot everyone else, my love. You might be saying this is a weird way to show my love, but if you weren't going to spend time with me, you weren't going to spend time with anyone. You were down, bleeding. I figured you had died, so I ran so I wouldn't get caught by the cops. I was so angry that you had called 911. _

_I guess maybe I should have just shot you. But I wanted you to be special, so I stabbed you with the knife. I guess that's why you survived._

_I guess you'd think I regret killing those people, especially now that I've been in prison for 12 years and am about to die. No, I don't. All I regret was actually getting caught and especially that you wouldn't stick by my side. I thought you loved me Lindsay. I thought you'd always stay with me._

_In fact, if it hadn't been for those damn CSIs that traced the gun back to me, I probably would have gone free. You wouldn't testify against because you know you loved me and didn't want to see me go to jail._

_I can't tell you what a rush it was to shoot you all. It was better than the LSD we did that one time. I thought about having sex with you before I shot you. But I was afraid it would give the cops time to get there, so I decided not to. So you see, not satisfying your desires wasn't because I didn't want to see you have pleasure right before you died, but just self preservation._

_And it was so easy; you all barely offered any resistance. I mean your parents were gone, thank god, and you all were drunk. You were dancing and having fun. You didn't deserve to._

_By the time you read this, I'll be dead. Just know that life without you for the past 12 years is a fate worse than death._

Stella about ran to the bathroom to puke herself. _Joe Wilson should be glad he's dead right now_, Stella thought angrily. _Or I would want to go after him. __No wonder Lindsay's been so distracted. Why hasn't she said anything? _And then the thought, _Lindsay's done drugs before?_

_Ring. Ring_. "Bonasera."

"Stella, it's Mac. Why'd you call?"

"Why was your phone off?"

"Danny and I were at Rikers investigating a scene."

"Oh. I called to ask if you could take me off call tomorrow."

"Umm, I don't know if I should be granting requests from someone who lied to me to cover for someone." If Stella could have seen Mac, she'd of known his eyes were twinkling, however.

Stella scrunched her face up. "You know, I'm not going to say I'm sorry. Because I'm not."

"I would have expected nothing different from you. And I knew that you were. But I still need a good reason to take you off call."

"I want to talk to Lindsay about what's bothering her. As a friend. And I don't want to risk having to leave her in the middle. I know something is seriously wrong."

"I'm going to warn you that you may be getting into something bad."

"What do you know about her past?"

"All I know is that when she was 17 she survived the murder of her sister and six of her friends on Christmas Day. Umm, a Joel Wilson was the murderer."

"He was executed just about a month ago for it. Do you know anything about a Lola Mills?"

"Never heard the name, why?"

"She's in prison in Montana for assaulting Lindsay."

"What? How did you find this out, given I didn't know?"

_Great, have I just gotten both Lindsay and myself into even more trouble? _"I was doing a little investigating in Lindsay's apartment and happened to read a couple of pieces of her mail that were from the Montana Department of Corrections."

"So you were snooping." Mac hesitated before continuing, "Don't worry about it. But if Lindsay's upset over it, she deserves to be. Although, when were you at Lindsay's apartment?"

"I'm here now. I came over to check on her after she'd nearly broke down in front of me. I found her drunk- she'd drunk a whole bottle of vodka. So I'm staying tonight to keep an eye on her. So I also probably won't very alert tomorrow."

"All right. I'll take you off call. But you are getting a warning for the dishonesty. But while I'll deny this if you ever tell Lindsay I said it, you may want to do a little more, urmm, investigating before you talk to her. It'll help you to know as much as possible. Lindsay's pretty tight lipped, and the more you know the easier it will be to get her to talk."

"Thanks."

"And can you tell Lindsay that I'm going to have to talk with her Friday? She's in trouble. The captain found out she left the scene, and after Hawkes' false arrest, he is dying to come down on us. I may have to suspend her."

"Mac.."

He interrupted, "Stella, she went AWOL. If it weren't for her good record, it'd result in termination."

"Okay. Good night."


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night". I own nothing you recognize.

Thanks to **SallyJetson** for the beta

Down in Staten Island, Danny kept debating on whether or not to call Stella and find out how Lindsay was doing. He wanted with all his heart to know, but, not knowing Stella was still at Lindsay's, awake, he didn't think Stella would appreciate him calling at 2:30 am. He wanted to head over to Lindsay's apartment to check on her himself, but figured she'd probably be asleep and didn't want to wake her. He fell asleep still debating on calling and had a poor night's sleep.

---

Stella looked through the rest of Lindsay's mail, but couldn't find anything that stood out as being useful. She was keeping an eye on Lindsay, who didn't seem to be sleeping well: tossing and turning, punching the air, kicking.

Knowing Lindsay had internet access in her apartment, Stella decided to try searching for some information on Joel Wilson and Lola Mills. She logged on, praying Lindsay wouldn't kill her for using her computer. She had just found a recent article from the Bozeman Daily Chronicle when

_Lindsay held a knife in her hand, and was advancing towards Corrine. She plunged the knife into Corrine's side. Blood spurted from the wound, drenching Lindsay. Corrine fell and stopped breathing._

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah," Lindsay screamed, waking herself up. "I didn't, no…" she broke off, panting.

Stella rushed over, and pulled Lindsay into a hug. "Shhh, it's okay. It was just a dream. Breathe slowly," she said, while rubbing her back.

"Stella?"

"You're okay Lindsay. It was a dream. Just go back to sleep." Stella finally felt Lindsay fall back asleep and laid her down, before heading back to read the article she had just pulled up.

_**Murderous Boyfriend is Executed**_

_Joel Wilson (1975-2006), nicknamed the "Muderous Boyfriend of Bozeman" was put to death on Novermber 3. _

_Joel Wilson was convicted of six counts of murder as well as one count of attempted murder twelve years ago, for crimes occurring on the night of December 25, 1993. He was eighteen at the time. All except one of his victims were teenagers, the other was twenty years old. The crimes, particularly the brutality, shocked Bozeman. Mr. Wilson had been the boyfriend of Lindsay Monroe, the sole survivor, who broke up with him following the crime._

"_Even though it doesn't bring my daughter back, at least now I know he has paid for what he did," said Pam James, mother of one of the victims. The mothers of the other victims reported similar sentiments._

_Lindsay Monroe could not be reached for comment._

Stella followed a link at the bottom of the page to the original article describing the crime. It included pictures. Stella had seen her share of brutal crime scenes, but she could barely avoid throwing up at these.

Besides the pictures, the article didn't tell her anything new, and neither did any further searching. She couldn't find anything on Lola Mills either.

Giving up, she pulled a book out of her kit, and started reading.


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night," some of the dialogue is taken directly from the episode. I own nothing you recognize.

Thanks to **SallyJetson **for the beta.

Danny called Stella the next morning to check on Lindsay. He wanted to come over, but Stella reminded him that if he didn't get to the lab, Mac would chew him out.

_---_

_Ouch,_ Lindsay thought, closing her eyes then reopening them. It didn't feel like she was on her bed, and she upon looking around, confirmed it. _Where am I?_ Turning around, she noticed Stella.

"Where am I? What are you doing here?" Lindsay asked, thoroughly confused.

"You're in the living room in your apartment. As far as for why I'm here, go take a shower and we'll talk about it. What do you want for breakfast?" _I want you to have a little bit of a fresher head before we talk._

"Nothing." Lindsay kept rubbing her forehead.

"Are you sick to your stomach?"

"No, I never eat anything for breakfast. I don't have any breakfast food around."

"Well, you're eating something. I'll find something; you go shower."

"All right."

Stella fixed up a couple of cans of soup, and found some crackers in the pantry. She had set out the food, and had just found a bottle of ibuprofen, when Lindsay returned to the kitchen, redressed.

"My head's killing me," Lindsay complained.

"I'm not surprised," Stella replied, handing Lindsay two ibuprofen and a glass of water. "You probably have the hangover of the century."

"Thanks. So, what are you doing here?"

"Do you not remember?" Stella could see the answer in Lindsay's eyes. "Well, tell me what you remember about last night."

"I picked up some food on my way home, as well as some vodka to drink. I remember drinking one Dixie cup full and pouring a second cup full. I just wanted to forget about what has gone on lately…"

"Is that all you remember?"

Lindsay nodded, hanging her head. "I guess I accomplished some of what I hoped."

Realizing exactly how out of it Lindsay had been, Stella became a bit angry. "Lindsay, you were completely wasted. You know better than to do that. You know, you could have wound up on Hammerback's table this morning…"

Lindsay angrily interrupted Stella, "God, Stella, I don't need another mother." She got up from her chair and started pacing.

Stella swallowed the hurt from Lindsay's outburst before grabbing her elbow. "As your friend, it scares me. That you would resort to drinking so much. It scares me that I may have had a dead friend this morning. You realize how much you worried Danny and me last night?"

Stella had just knocked the fight out of Lindsay. "You don't understand," she said, with tears in eyes.

"Don't understand what?" After a moment's pause, Stella grabbed the envelopes from the Department of Corrections and asked, "About these?" Stella saw shock, anger, and fear in Lindsay's face all at once.

"Were you snooping through my mail?" Lindsay asked angrily.

"Yeah," Stella admitted. "Look, I'm sorry. You wanted me to be a friend. Unfortunately, this friend is a detective."

"Please don't make me talk about it." After pausing for a moment, she continued, "I don't know if I can face it, Stella." Then almost so low that Stella couldn't hear it, "I don't want you to think less of me."

"Look, as a friend, I'm not going to let you hole it up anymore. It's not healthy for you. If I have to, I won't hesitate to interrogate you." Still seeing hesitation on Lindsay's face, she continued, "Do you know why I've not been around on Tuesday mornings for the past few weeks?" Lindsay shook her head. "I've been going to see the department counselor. After snapping at you over that case a few weeks ago, I realized that I hadn't been handling it. Why would I think less of you?"

Tears started falling down Lindsay's cheeks. "It was my fault."

"Lindsay, you can't blame yourself. You did not kill your friends. It was not your fault you were the only one who survived." Stella pulled Lindsay into a hug for a minute, and Lindsay started crying harder. "How about we compromise a bit? Why don't you finish your soup, and we'll talk once you've stopped crying?"

Lindsay nodded.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night". I own nothing you recognize.

Thanks to **SallyJetson **for the beta.

By the time Lindsay had finished her soup, she'd pulled her tears under control. "By the way, am I in trouble?" she asked.

"With Mac?" Lindsay nodded. "Yeah, the captain found out about you leaving, so Mac's under a bit of heat.'

"Stella, I'll tell him that I asked you to cover for me."

"Oh, no you won't."

"But I don't want you to get in trouble for it."

"He just gave me a warning, don't worry about. You'll be in worse trouble."

"Well, I am sorry."

"I know. So, are you ready to talk?"

"I guess as ready as I'll ever be."

"Why don't you tell me about Joel Wilson?" _I'll ask questions to piece it together if I have to_.

"He was my boyfriend for a few months in high school."

"And you broke up with him after he killed you friends."

Lindsay nodded. "And my sister. I didn't think he could do something like that. He had always been really sweet to me. Until… I mean, he'd told me to watch out, but I didn't think anything before that night."

"That Christmas night?" Lindsay nodded. "What happened?"

"I'm not sure exactly. There are gaps in my memory. And I'm not sure what is from my memory, and what was from the evidence introduced at the trial."

"Well, just tell me what you know."

"We were having a slumber party." Stella raised her eyes. Lindsay gave a little laugh before continuing, "Yeah, I know, 17 year olds having a "slumber" party. My older sister was in from college-she went out of state, and had bought us alcohol. My parents had gone to a dinner party at one of their friend's houses. We were all drunk. We were dancing, I know that"

Lindsay hesitated, and Stella reached over to rub her hand, before saying, "Go on." 

"I guess I let him in. At least the CSIs said there was no forced entry. I'm not sure if anything happened right after, but then he pulled out a gun, and shot everyone in the room, except me. They all fell down, and I guess I didn't try helping them. He went to the kitchen. I remember seeing blood splattered all over my family's Christmas decorations. And what they said at trial was that I called 911 then. I don't remember calling, but they submitted a silent call from my number into evidence. He came back out and stabbed me."

Lindsay started breathing heavily, and Stella again had to encourage her, "Go on."

"I don't remember anything after that until I woke up in the hospital. The doctor guessed that I'd gone into shock after I got stabbed, possibly saving my life. But I never understood why I survived." Stella was betting that Lindsay was going to start crying in a minute. "Everyone- the mothers, my other friends- blamed me for it." Lindsay had started crying.

_So that's why she finds it so hard to make friends. She's afraid she won't be able to trust them._

"When they found out he'd threatened me earlier, it got worse. Saying I should have cancelled the party, gone out with him, whatever to avoid it happening."

"Oh, Lindsay. You realize it wasn't your fault. You didn't pull the trigger. You didn't kill your friends."

"But I could have done something." Stella shook her head, but Lindsay didn't notice. "My parents even blamed me somewhat, especially saying that if I hadn't been drunk maybe I could have stopped it."

_Ironically, I wonder if it might have been worse if you weren't. If you had been sober you'd been less likely to pass out._

"Even though I was the least drunk of all of us; they took BAC counts on all of us. My parents didn't drink, and weren't happy that I had. My dad grounded me for two weeks over it. I think the only reason they didn't press charges against me for underage drinking was that they were afraid a conviction would bring problems in the trial against Joel. Because my BAC was 0.18. Even though the worse punishment was having to deal with losing my friends." Lindsay hesitated before continuing, "You may not believe me, but last night was the first night I've gotten drunk since then. I hadn't even drunk more than a glass of wine or beer at one sitting since, until last night. I guess it just sounded like a good way to try to forget about what had been happening."

_Well, that's a bit of relief, but you're still getting questioned about the Tylenol 3 later._   
Stella rubbed Lindsay's hand for a minute before asking, "So what happened in the morgue yesterday?"

"I'm not really sure. Mackenzie looked a bit like Corrine, and suddenly there were streaks of blood running down her face. Then all of the bodies turned into my friends with blood streaming down them. And I have no clue where it came from. I was never in the morgue with them. Things like that have been happening lately."

"Hallucinations? If they are, you really need to go see someone. It will affect your judgment at a crime scene one day." _And you may not have a choice. I will have to tell Mac about this, and he may order it anyway. _

"And the stabbing looked almost exactly like mine. I know. They sent me some of the crime scene photos in the initial letter about the execution. I threw them away because they were so upsetting. It doesn't help I have a permanent reminder of it," Lindsay said, as she moved her shirt up to show Stella the scar from where she was stabbed. At that, Lindsay broke down sobbing.

"Let's take a break, okay?" Lindsay nodded as Stella moved to pull her into a hug.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night". I own nothing you recognize. I do own Lola Mills.

Thanks to **SallyJetson **for the beta.

It took Lindsay nearly a half an hour to pull herself together enough and say, "All right, let's go on."

"Why don't you tell me about Lola Mills?"

"She always blamed me for the death of her daughter. More than anyone else. I was home for Christmas, 3 years after the murders, and she tried to kill me."

"What? Why didn't she get charged for attempted murder?"

"She did. They pleaded it down to aggravated assault. The defense tried to get it down to assault, but the DA wouldn't budge anymore."

"How did they get an attempted murder charge to assault?"

"Good defense attorney. They tried to argue insanity as well. About the only person in Bozeman who had any sympathy for me at the time were my parents and the DA. The defense finally took an aggravated assault because they were going to take the case to Bozeman with a Bozeman jury for trial. The DA argued there was no way they'd get a fair trial in that town, which was probably true. The defense was afraid the Bozeman jury wouldn't buy an insanity defense and convict her on the attempted murder charge."

"Why did the DA allow it?"

"Big case load. It got a case off her desk. And she wasn't going to have to worry about appeals that way."

"I had to pull myself off my first case back in Montana. It was another one of the mothers. It turned out she'd committed suicide because her only daughter, her only family, was gone. Ironically, it was around Christmastime." Hesitating for a moment, she continued, "I was always labeled after that. I guess one of the reasons I didn't say anything here was that I didn't want to be labeled by my history. Even Mac doesn't know everything I just told you."

"I assume you haven't told Danny anything."

"I can't Stella, he won't…"

"O, Lindsay. Listen to me, and listen to me good. No one is going to think less of you here, okay. We all have our pasts, and we all have things we wish we hadn't done. Hell, I killed my boyfriend last year, and I'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life. But you can't let this define you. All right?"

"But it's so hard. Especially when I keep getting all these reminders."

"And that's why you need to talk with someone." They were both silent for a minute before Stella asked, "Why did you leave the crime scene the other night?"

Lindsay looked down at her hands. "I had just gotten that second letter about the parole hearing before I got the call to go out. And Gina, uh, she looked like her, almost exactly. And with the tears, I just couldn't face it. Her. I know I didn't handle it correctly, but I guess I wasn't thinking. And was afraid that no one would understand."

"Well, you certainly didn't handle it well, and you're in trouble over that. But what I'm more disappointed in is that you felt like you couldn't trust us."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"So this is why you hate Christmas," Stella said with realization. Lindsay nodded. "Well, I'm not letting you stay home that day. We'll have a little lab get together: Danny, and Hawkes, Mac, Sid, and Peyton at my apartment. I'll make a rule, nothing Christmassy. But you're not going to spend the day alone. I'll have Danny come kidnap you if you won't come on your own." _You'll never get over it if you do._

"Fine," Lindsay said reluctantly.

Stella decided to turn the discussion to slightly happier thoughts. "So, do you like Danny?"

"What? How did you know?"

"I'm a CSI, Lindsay," Stella said, smiling. Tactfully leaving out exactly what Lindsay had said the night before, she continued, "And you may have said something last night about it."

"I guess, but I can't, Stell. He'll run as soon as he finds out my past." Speaking more softly, she resumed, "And I'm afraid I can't trust him. I mean after Joel."

"Lindsay, what did I just tell you, about not letting your past define you. And as far as trusting him, I think there are a few people that would kill him and make it look like an accident if he hurt you."

"I just can't. I can't tell him."

"Yes you can. Danny understands having a past. In fact, if he doesn't stick by you, he isn't worth shedding a tear over anyway."

"I don't know."

Stella turned the discussion to happier thoughts, and they just hung out for a couple of hours.

However, Stella had to turn the conversation back to tougher matters. "Lindsay, I've got to go into the lab for a few hours. But I need to ask you about something," Stella said, getting up.

"Okay," Lindsay said, questioningly.

Stella had grabbed the bottle of Tylenol 3 and walked back over to sit next to Lindsay. "What are you doing with this?"

Lindsay started to panic. "A doctor prescribed it for me a couple of years ago when I was in an accident." Stella stared back at Lindsay. "It's true," Lindsay exclaimed.

Stella simply stared back into Lindsay's eyes, not quite believing her.

Under Stella's gaze, Lindsay cracked. "I haven't been sleeping well."

Stella retorted, "And you've been taking these to help you sleep."

Lindsay nodded. _Here comes a huge lecture_.

Stella was livid. "Monroe, you know far better than that. Taking narcotics. You could get addicted fast. And I don't want to hear that it's codeine not morphine. It gets turned into morphine in the body, you know that."

Lindsay didn't even bother offering an excuse, because she knew she didn't have one.

"Why didn't you go to the doctor about the insomnia?"

Lindsay offered the truth, even though she knew it was weak. "I didn't want it in my records for IAB to see."

"I guess what I suspected. Do you realize now drug use would look on your record? You'll get fired if IAB finds out! And if you're taking it every night, it's going to happen. You know that, or at least I thought you did." After a minute of silence, Stella asked, "Are you going to say anything?"

Lindsay was cringing inside. "There's really no excuse."

"Lindsay, you've got to tell Mac."

"Stella!"

"Look, if you don't, I will. And he won't be happy if he hears it from me."

"He won't be happy hearing it from me."

"Fine, he'll be less angry hearing it from you. He won't turn it over to IAB yet. But this is serious, Lindsay. You really aren't handling this well. You need to talk to a counselor, possibly get a legitimate sleeping aid. "

"All right."


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night". I own nothing you recognize.

Thanks to **SallyJetson** for the beta

When Lindsay got into work the next morning, she wasn't sure if she was ready to face Mac. However, the note on her desk left her no choice.

_My office. As soon as you get in. _

_Mac _

Visibly swallowing and trying to stop her hands from shaking, she walked down to Mac's office and knocked.

Mac looked up. "Come in," he ordered. "Please shut the door."

Lindsay took a seat across from Mac. She was exerting most of her energy on holding back her tears. _No, I'm not going to cry in front of my boss. You can't Lindsay, you just can't. _

Mac started, quietly, "Lindsay, I just want you to know that I realize that you don't want to be having this conversation and neither do I." She nodded. "It's come to my attention that you left the crime scene, without permission or being relieved. I was also informed by dispatch that your phone was off? Do you admit to this?"

Lindsay nodded. "Yes, sir." _No, Lindsay, you are not going to cry. _

_Well, she's definitely upset if she slipped and called me Sir. _"I know this is going to be hard, but I need an explanation for why."

"Mac, please," Lindsay begged. _I can't. If I talk I'll for sure break down in front of you._

"Lindsay, you know I need to know anything that could possibly affect you on the job. I can't help you work around it if I don't." Seeing that Lindsay was still hesitant, he continued, "You won't be in trouble for not telling me something before, as long as you tell me now."

_Please don't make me. I don't want to have to face it again. _

_Come on, Lindsay. If you don't, I'm going to be forced to do something I really don't want to do. _

"What's my punishment going to be?"

"That depends." _On what you tell me right now. _

"I don't know where to start."

"Just start from the beginning." Mac smiled encouragingly.

Mac's smile wound up disarming Lindsay, and the story started spilling out. In the middle she started crying. "… I haven't been sleeping well, on and off for the past few months, although it's been getting worse lately. I've been having these dreams, although I guess you should call them nightmares, where I'm reliving it. But sometimes I die or I end up killing myself when I wake up to see my friends dead. Sometimes it's me killing my friends. I've woken up screaming. I've been taking Tylenol 3 for the past two weeks."

Mac's face involuntarily hardened. _Shit. That must be what Stella warned me that I wasn't going to like._

Lindsay continued, "And before you give me the lecture over that, Stella already did."

"Well, I'll just say this on that: I won't tell IAB, as long as you promise me that you won't take anymore. But you do realize what that alone could have cost you." _Like your job._

Lindsay nodded. Lindsay was trying to wipe tears away from her face, and Mac handed her a box of tissues.

"When did you start having these dreams?"

"I've had them on and off ever since the crime."

"You know what I meant. When did the frequency start increasing?"

"A couple of months ago," Lindsay shrugged. "I had gotten a letter about the execution of Joel then."

"How did the execution make you feel?"

"You know, it's not helped. I mean, I don't feel closure, he didn't feel repentant; I don't know what else to do."

"Well, I think you need to talk about it to someone."

Lindsay looked down. "And then I got letters on the parole hearing of Lola. It just dredged up the memories of the attack, the blame, everything. The hearing's next month. I haven't said whether I'm going or not. I don't even know if I want to go."

"For what it's worth, I think you should go." Lindsay nodded. "But I've got another question. I understand why you would have wanted to be taken off the case. But why didn't you ask?"

"I don't know." Seeing Mac's face, she quickly continued, "I really don't. I guess, I was just afraid that no one would understand. I had to remove myself from my first case back in Montana, and I was always labeled. I didn't want anything like that to happen here."

"We all have our pasts. We understand. And I am a little disappointed you felt you couldn't trust us here."

"I'm sorry."

Mac nodded. "I know." He looked at his watch before continuing, "I'm going to have to get back to a case soon, so here goes. I'd like you to consider taking a leave of absence- medical."

"How long?" Lindsay bit her lip.

"A month."

"Mac!"

"Lindsay, it's either that or you take a month suspension. You were AWOL, Lindsay. That's a very serious charge, and if it weren't for your good record I would have to fire you." _I almost had to anyway, but I convinced the brass to let me make sure there was a reason._ "I'd far prefer you take the leave of absence: you'll still get paid. You'll be eligible for promotion in a few years, but a suspension will postpone any possible promotions for a couple of years at least. You'll still get an official reprimand with the leave of absence, but that will be removed in two years. I'm sorry, but you had to have realized that a severe punishment was coming."

Lindsay nodded. Mac had effectively backed her into a corner. Neither of the options was particularly pleasant; even though Mac was ostensibly offering her an option, she knew she really didn't have one.

"I need to know your decision within a week. Whichever you choose, it won't start for a month- mandatory department policy for something that long."

"I don't need a week. I'll take the leave of absence."

Mac nodded. "I'll do the paperwork, but I'll need you to come by in a couple of days to sign it."

Lindsay nodded before asking quietly, "What do you need me to do today?"

"Well, I think Danny could us some help on his case."

_No! I can't face Danny right now._

"Or you could work on this stack of paperwork."

"I'll take the paperwork," Lindsay said.

_Ring_. " Taylor… I'll be there in minute."

"Well, I'll let you get back to your case," Lindsay said, picking up the stack of paperwork and leaving.

"Hey, Lindsay," Mac called. "You made a few mistakes this week. That's all. None of us here are perfect, and I don't think any less of you." _Trust me, if I did, I wouldn't have fought so hard for you._ "Just don't let it happen again. And what happened in your past is just that, _your past_. It's not your present, and it's certainly not your future. It's not your fault, and you're not going to be labeled for it."

"Thanks," Lindsay whispered, turning so Mac wouldn't see new tears running down her face.


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimers: Major spoilers for Ep 312 "Silent Night". I own nothing you recognize.

Thanks to **SallyJetson **for the beta.

_Five weeks later…_

Lindsay was on a plane headed back to Montana. It had been a hectic few weeks: making the arrangements to go back, and having to visit the department counselor since Mac was justifying the leave on psychiatric grounds. She continuously heard gossip throughout the lab and at some crime scenes about how she was taking a leave as punishment and that she'd nearly been fired.

Danny had been about to go to war when he found about Lindsay's leave. (I like the strong emotion this statement portrays)

"_What? Mac can't do this," Danny exclaimed._

"_You know I deserved it," Lindsay responded._

"_But how am I going to make it a month without seeing you?"_

"_Oh, come on, you Messer. You'll find someone."_

I doubt it._ "Come on Montana, talk to me."_

"_I just can't," Lindsay said, walking away._

Lindsay felt guilty for continuously turning away Danny, especially after she'd overheard him defend her to one of the lab techs, but she couldn't help it. Even though he hadn't given her any reason not to trust him, she found it hard.

She had started sleeping slightly better after talking with Stella and Mac about what was going on, but was still having problems. However, after a couple of nights of wanting to take the Tylenol 3 to help her sleep, she flushed the pills, so she wouldn't have that temptation.

"Please prepare the cabin for landing," the pilot announced as tears fell down her cheeks.

---

"This is the parole hearing of inmate 189348, Lola Mills, who was convicted of aggravated assault. In attendance are Shane Richardson, Parole Board, acting as chair of the hearing; Jay Harrell, the inmate's counselor; Lindsay Monroe, victim; and Lola Mills, the inmate. Are all ready to proceed?"

All responded in the affirmative.

"First, we will hear the statement of Jay Harrell," Shane began.

Jay discussed Lola's progress while in prison. "I recommend that she be granted parole."

"Would the victim like to make a statement?"

"Yes." Lindsay stood. "One of the reasons I moved so far away was attitudes people like Lola had. I blame myself so much for my friend's murders already; every day I face that. Maybe if I'd done something differently, they wouldn't have gotten killed. I understand she lost a daughter, and I can't imagine what that must feel like. But I lost six of my friends, one of whom was my sister, and that was awful. I strongly oppose her parole."

"Thank you, Ms. Monroe. Please be seated. Would the prisoner like to make a statement?" Shane Richardson asked.

Lola nodded and stood. "Nine years ago, I tried to kill Lindsay. I guess I just wanted to believe that what happened to my daughter could have been stopped, that Joel would have never killed them. But we don't know if it could have been stopped. I withdrew so much that I couldn't see anyone else's pain, even my own husband's and son's pain.

And I have no right to be believed, but no amount of time here will make up for what I did to Ms. Monroe. I was looking for an easy scapegoat, didn't want to think one person could cause something so bad. I was so angry when she went on to college and kept living her life, but I was wrong. Her life doesn't deserve to be destroyed because her friends were killed. I wish I hadn't let mine be destroyed over the tragedy. I thought no one could understand what I was going through. Lindsay may not understand what it's like to lose a daughter. I hope she never does. But she did lose several friends and a sister, and I can't imagine that it was any easier. I'm sorry" Lola sat.

"Ms. Monroe, do you have a response?"

Lindsay sat thinking. She could feel sincerity from Lola; she wasn't just saying those words to try to make a good impression. "I withdraw my objection to her parole."

"Okay," Shane replied. "This hearing is adjourned."

---

_Lindsay's first day back on the job_

Lindsay was exhausted. Mac hadn't even waited until 9 for Lindsay to come in that morning, calling her out, along with Stella to a multiple homicide. Stella had yelled at one of the uniforms at the scene that morning. He hadn't wanted to help Lindsay with something, saying he shouldn't have to take orders from someone who had been almost suspended. Mac promised that he was turning in the guy for a reprimand.

She hadn't seen Danny or Hawkes yet; they had been out to a crime scene on Roosevelt Island all day. She was about to leave when Danny came into their shared office.

"Hey, Montana, nice to see ya. How you doin'?" he asked

"Tired. Long day," she replied.

"You want to talk?"

"I don't know."

"You know you can talk to be about _anything_, right?" he asked, bracing for the worst.

"Danny, I have a past."

"Hey, Linds," he said, grabbing her arm gently, "you think I don't understand about having a past? God knows I have one."

"I don't know."

"Let's just go out, have dinner, talk, be friends."

_Maybe I should give him a chance. I guess I shouldn't let what happened define me. _Making a decision, Lindsay replied, grabbing her keys, "All right. Let's go."

The end


End file.
